


The S.S. Condescension

by Filthmonger



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Baking, Ectobiological Incest, F/M, Nudity, Oral Sex, Size Difference, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:54:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9489956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filthmonger/pseuds/Filthmonger
Summary: Set in an alternate timeline wherein the Condesce bests our four plucky heroes during [S]Collide, Sea Hitler spares their lives and takes them aboard her ship. There, she decides to have a little fun with them...





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be part of a series, with Roxy, Rose and Kanaya all getting their own turns with )(IC. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm for Homestuck fizzled out before I could finish chapter two. Nevertheless, I figured it deserved a spot as a standalone.
> 
> Oh, and the title was originally a pun on /ss/, but John is of age in this so... I guess it's just kind of a mommy kink thing now.

The air of Derse grew still and silent as the last few echoes of the battle faded away; the rubble settling into steep piles and imposing ruins. The tall, majestic figure of the troll empress, Her Imperious Condescension, loomed over the four unconscious heroes, trident held victoriously beside her. They had fought long, hard and desperately to defeat her, but they had failed. Despite being beaten and bloodied she had brought them to their knees and further, claiming this day as her own. A cruel smile curled upon her lips; they would pay for daring to stand in her way.

And for chipping her nails, the little fucks.

She exhaled and tapped her foot impatiently, surveying the incapacitated bodies. They were not going to be getting up any time soon, that’s for sure. Good thing too; she wasn’t sure she could take another round of them. Only reason she wasn’t sleeping with the metaphoric fishes was because she’d caught the sneaky blonde bitch trying to gut her from behind. No way she was going to go out like a punk that easily! Still, they’d been tough little nuts to crack. She figured she’d probably best just kill them all here and now.

On the other hand, though… one of them was a troll. Jade blood too, by the look of it. No way in hell the Condesce was going to raise the mother grub, that’s for sure; little miss rainbow-drinker could stay. And she did still need the sneaky blonde one to make her the matriorb in the first place. Alright half could stick around. Hmm. The other blonde one reminded her of someone. An old enemy, she thought. And who knows, she might make good leverage for the jade blood; two of them seemed close. Real close. It was almost cute. Aw, hell: it was cute. That just left the boy. The Condesce looked him over closely; he seemed pretty familiar too. Heck, he reminded her of…

Fuck it. She levitated her four prisoners into the air with a casual flick of her wrist and exhaled again. Little bitches got to live for a while longer. She smiled again, baring her fangs, slightly distorted by a particularly accurate blow to the face; maybe she could have a little fun with some of them.

***

The first thing that John noticed as he woke up was that his head was killing him. He suspected that one too many blows to the head with a solid gold trident might’ve been the culprit. The second thing he noticed was that he was very definitely not on Derse anymore; frankly, he had no idea where he was at all. Everything was a brilliant scarlet, and either shaped out of some solid looking metal or styled as some weirdly organic blob of tentacle and pustules. The third thing he noticed was the incredibly familiar and all too distinctive smell of baking wafting out of a nearby corridor. He blinked and pulled himself upright, rather shocked to find himself floating in what appeared to be a tub of warm, green goo. What he was considerably more shocked to discover was that he was stark naked.

He slipped back under the rim of the maggot-shaped tub with a yelp and tried to cover himself. Slowly he peered back up above and into the room, scouring the floor for anything remotely resembling clothes. Finding nothing, he considered his options for a moment; on the one hand, he could wander around a strange place completely naked and hope whoever was baking was on his side, or he could stay here and soak in disgusting green goop until… well, he didn’t know until what, exactly, but he doubted it was good.

John steeled himself with a flushed grimace. With a rather awkward and inelegant motion he pulled himself from the confines of the tub and dropped onto the floor beneath, shocked to find it covered in a rather comfortable, warm fuzz instead of the solid metal he’d expected. He steadied himself on the side of the tub, a wave of dizziness rushing through his head, before finally staggering to his feet. He barely noticed the green slime slip off him completely, leaving his body entirely exposed to the warm air. After a few experimental stretches he crept towards the corridor; the scent of cinnamon and baked goods tempting him further.

The corridor was long, square and carpeted with the same luxurious fuzz as the room he’d woken up in. It was also eye-bleedingly red and built as if it belonged in a military bunker. Whoever owned this place needed a better interior designer, that was for sure. John hugged close to one of the walls, creeping along like he belonged in a low budget spy movie, and desperately tried to ignore the uncomfortably natural feeling of his junk swinging loose. If the others had been captured, he hoped they hadn’t suffered the same fate; the last thing he wanted was to have a naked conversation with Rose. She’d have a god damn field day.

Finally and thankfully he reached the end without encountering anyone or anything. In fact, here hadn’t been a single turning point; he guessed that meant wherever he’d woken up was private. He peeked out into the next room, and suppressed a low whistle. It looked a heck of a lot like a kitchen; the floor was even covered with alternating crimson and vermillion tiles, like a blood-soaked checkerboard. The walls were absolutely stuffed to the brim with cabinets, cooking equipment and refrigerators, all rendered in the same branding as the rest of the building. Here and there he spotted little symbols, like that of a trident. He guessed this place had something to do with the Batterwitch; a suspicion confirmed as he spotted the enormous mass of tangled hair hat could only belong to one person. He swallowed nervously and slowly stepped into the room, scouring the walls for anywhere that resembled an exit. He crept along the cool tiles towards a large bolted monstrosity of a door, his breath held and his heart pounding; she hadn’t noticed him yet. He could make it!

“you betta not be tryin nothin back there buoy” Her Imperious Condescension called casually, without so much as glancing behind her.

Fuck.

“hold yo bass fo a sec” She continued, her horns bobbing above her monstrous hairdo to an unheard rhythm. “im gettin ma bake on”

John slowly made his way over to the one foot of space on the wall not covered by baking apparatus and crouched behind the oven in front, trying to peer around the solid nest of black hair obscuring the Condesce from view. Not that he really needed to confirm that she was, indeed, baking; he could smell the cinnamon buns well enough. He guessed it made sense; she must have enjoyed baking if her whole unholy empire was based upon it. And she was obviously good at it. Those buns did smell delicious…

A sharp “ding!” derailed his train of thought. With a satisfied hum the Condesce knelt before her oven and delicately pulled the tray of piping hot baked goods free. She carried them over to the large table in the centre of the room, her regal hips swaying as she strolled past him and her obscene amount of gold bangles clinking with each step. It took John a few seconds to register that she was wearing a bright red, frill apron with the Betty Crocker logo emblazoned on it; not what he’d expected from the empress of the trolls, that’s for sure. The Condesce laid the tray down and, after a satisfied sniff, sharply turned to face him. “You gon come out a there on yo own or am i gonna have to drag yo bass out like a chum-p”

“I am not coming out of here until I get some answers!” John shouted back in what he hoped was a defiant manner. “… and some clothes, too!” he added.

“i suppose i can getcha you some anchors” She replied, cocking her bejewelled eyebrow and smirking. “but tha clothes aint gonna happen”

“Why not?!”

“aint fair” She shrugged, reaching behind her back and nimbly undoing her apron's straps.

“What do you mean it isn’t… fair…” John petered off, his cheeks flushing as red as the wallpaper as he very quickly discovered that Her Imperious Condescension was not, in fact, wearing her skin-tight black wetsuit under the apron; she wasn’t wearing anything on her exceedingly queenly, jet black frame aside from her bangles and her shark-toothed smile. He swallowed nervously and shrunk even further into the corner.

“whats tha matta” She purred, settling down into a chair. “like what you sea?”

“Shut up!” He snapped, trying to ignore the blood rushing to both his cheeks and groin. “Where are the others? Roxy, Rose, Kanaya? What did you do to them?”

“krill out already” the Condesce rolled her eyes and reached for a cinnamon bun. “the gurls are in their own little rooms same as you were” She took a bite out of the piping hot treat and continued. “i aint done nothin to hurt them”

“How the heck do you expect me to believe that?” His eyes flicked down to the light dusting of crumbs which stood starkly against the black skin of her ample breasts and impeccably well-toned stomach. His face flushed again as he kicked himself mentally.

“didnt do nothin to you did i” She sucked the sugar off her manicured fingers, savouring each one just a little longer than necessary. “i aint gonna bite you you know” She lightly tapped her finger against her cheek. “unless you want me to a course” Her tongue flicked out along her lips and John could barely restrain both his whimper and the incredibly obvious boner bobbing proudly between his legs. “now are you gonna come out and take a seat or what”

“Um…” John peeked around the scarlet room. “There… aren’t any more chairs?” The Condesce smiled viciously and gave her lap a pat. “… No. Nuh-uh. No way!” He exclaimed. “I am not sitting on your lap!”

“you are if you want to know anyfin about yo gillfronds” She sneered, patting her thigh again. With a reluctant but defeated grumble, John slid his way out from behind the oven and waddled towards her; hands clamped tightly around his crotch. He positioned himself as far along her knees as he could, back to her, and kept his eyes adamantly on the floor. Or tried to, until the Condesce’s hands roughly grabbed his waist and insistently pulled him along her thighs until he could feel the warmth of her skin pressing against his back. Even sitting down she dwarfed him, his head resting snugly in the valley between her ample breasts. One of her arms snaked round his body, hugging him close and lightly stroking his side, whilst the other offered him one of the freshly baked buns. He took an indignant bite: she really was good at baking. He flicked his eyes around the room, trying to find anything to distract him from the hardened black nipples either side of his head, before settling on a framed photo of a face he never expected to see.

“Wait… you know Colonel Sassacre?” He asked, trying to curl into as much of a ball as her impressively strong but elegant arms would allow.

“pfff know him” The troll empress snorted. “buoy i married tha sucka”

“What?!” John cried, snapping his head round to stare at her incredulously. Instead, he simply found himself smothering his face into a bountiful black bosom for a second or so, before snapping back round to stare at the floor with cheeks hot enough to rival Arizona. The Condesce laughed loudly and snaked her other arm round to match the first; her fingers tracing pattern along his sides, hips and tops of his thighs. “S-so, um…” John sputtered as he felt her breath brush along his ear. “You’re Jane’s… great, great grandmother?”

“betta believe it” She purred, her hands moving closer and closer to his crotch. “gurls gonna make a great heiress”

“W-wait… but I’m her sorta-maybe grandfather? So, that makes me your… grandson?” He gulped, acutely aware that her fuscia nails were starting to slide under his palms.

“man i don’t know how this ecto shit works” The Condesce huffed. “you do look a shell a lot like him though”

“Doesn’t that make this really, kinda… sorta…awkward?” He squeaked.

“nah” She shrugged. “ac-shelly kinda hot”

Any retort, witty or otherwise, which may have been on John’s lips escaped instead as a whimper of pleasure as his captor’s fingers brushed along his twitching shaft. She gently pried his hands away, lightly nibbling his earlobe. “looks like someones excited” She cooed, one hand wrapping itself around his cock whilst the other gently cupped his balls. “you just sit back and let momma take care a everyfin”

“Not helping!” He gasped as the Condesce’s hand began to slowly and sensually pump itself along his cock. Her thumb drew circles around its head, gently smearing the budding beads of precum onto her fingers and down his shaft, whilst her other hand traced soft circles on his sack. An impossibly long tongue slithered up his neck, leaving shivers in its wake.

“you havin fun little man” She breathed, her pace quickening ever so slightly. The shaking boy in her arms squeaked and whimpered as her hands worked their magic, giving a small nod. Her lips curled into a cruel smile. “then youre gonna love this” Effortlessly she lifted him from her lap and planted him on the crimson table, spreading his shivering thighs apart and kneeling between them. She kissed up and down his nubile torso, hands roaming hungrily across his body, before turning her mouth’s attentions onto his member. Teasingly slow she lapped along his shaft, slickening it with shining spittle. She planted a kiss upon its tip, chuckling to herself as John squirmed at the sensation of her tongue swirling about the head like a lollipop. She slid her lips down the shaft, her eyes never leaving his, until the fuscia features pressed against the mass of black hair at its base. With a lewd pop she pulled herself from him, shaking her chest lightly from side to side. His eyes followed the hypnotic swinging and jiggling of her chest, before widening as she pressed the soft black orbs either side of his wet cock. With a grin she bobbed her torso along him and forced a low groan of pleasure to escape his lips. She watched the head of his cock poke in and out of her ample bosom, flicking her tongue along the head as it came into view, never once breaking eye contact with the helpless John as he squirmed and wriggled under her touch; his hands tightly gripping the table hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

There was no warning, just a grunt and a gasp from the young man as his hips arched upwards; the hot pressure building at his base erupting out of him. He sat there, panting and gasping; watching as his curvaceous captor slowly scooped the ropes of white from the mounds of her breasts and the lines of her face before noisily slurping his cum from her fingers. “you been savin up for a while havent you buoy” She teased as she stood, looming over him. The Condesce planted a soft kiss on his forehead, her hands ruffling his hair gently, before slowly but very insistently pushing him to the floor. “that was fun but now momma needs some lovin” She grinned, and tapped the hairless, smooth skin above her cunt. “hope youre hungry”

John stared for a second or two, his heart pounding in his chest. Slowly he moved his head forwards, his mouth open and his tongue tentatively reaching out. A rough hand pushed him closer, burying his head between the Condesce’s thighs and filling his mouth with the taste of her folds. If he had been thinking straight, he’d have made a joke about it tasting faintly of fish; as it was though all he could think to do was to run his tongue along her cunt obediently, his hands grasping her thighs for support. He could feel her tense as he pushed his tongue deeper; feel her shiver as he flicked the very tip along her sensitive nub; hear her moans as he went faster and faster. He could see her hands grope and fondle her chest as she commanded him to do more and more; his tongue ached and his cock throbbed but he kept going, diving deeper and deeper into her. With a rough tug at his hair he found himself unceremoniously removed from her cunt and staring up into her hungry eyes.

“thats enough appetizers shrimp” Her Imperious Condescension growled voraciously. “time for the main fuckin course” She pushed him to the floor, straddling his waist and grinding her cunt along his re-hardened cock. She sat back; one hand spreading the fuscia filled hole wide, whilst the other guided his tip towards it. She bi her lip; he twitched in anticipation; both let out long moans as she slid herself onto his cock, her eyes rolling back a little in her head. Fuck, she had needed this for a long time. Her hands gripped his shoulder, nails almost painfully digging into his skin, and slowly began to fuck him.

It didn’t take long before need over came her, and the troll empress was bouncing up and down on John’s cock; the sound of her plush rump smacking against his hips filling their ears. He weakly tried to match her pace, thrusting upwards and into her; the hot, tight confines of her cunt surrounding his cock with the most amazing sensations of pleasure he’d ever known. Her moans were ragged, needy and delighted all rolled into one glorious erotic sound that filled his mind and drove him ever onwards, groaning and gasping as he felt the wonderful pressure begin to mount once again. The Condesce’s moans turned to screams of delight as the pair of them threw themselves together harder and faster with each thrust; her nails tightening enough to draw thin lines of red blood along his skin. Her chest heaved and jiggled as she slammed herself down onto his hips, begging and commanding him go faster and faster until she couldn’t take it anymore. With one last scream of pleasure she yanked his torso upwards, hugging his head into her bosom as her body was wracked with spasms of pleasure. Her cunt tightened and rippled about his cock and it was too much for him to bear; he buried his face into her soft breasts and groaned as her orgasm threw him over the edge, cock pulsing as he filled her with his hot cum.

The two of them stayed like that for a while afterwards, bathing in their bliss. He nuzzled his face deeper into her hot, sweat covered and welcoming chest; she held him close, her hand shakily stroking his hair as conscious thought slowly returned to her. The Condesce slumped back onto he comfortable fuzz of the floor, her fingers curling around the black mess John called hair as he gently drifted to sleep in her arms. Poor dear. She sighed contentedly as he snuggled against her, her breast his warm pillow.

She’d missed this a lot.


End file.
